Nonviolent Communication in Action

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GoalBusters recently conducted a staff retreat/training in Los Angeles for a major metropolitan hospital foundation. One of our training tools was the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. It contains some very helpful tactics for overcoming conflict and communicating in an objective way by minimizing the clouding effects of heated emotions and judgmental statements.

The techniques were personally useful as I experienced some interpersonal conflict over the holidays with a few relatives. I thought that repeating past arguments would simply be frustrating and futile. So, I decided to try the concepts of "Nonviolent Communication" in dealing with these differences of "opinion and perspectives" which seem to typically fuel these redundant arguments.

Communication Goals: There are four goals when attempting to communicate nonviolently:
1. Observe without judgment - What are the "concrete" actions we observe that affect our well-being?
2. Express feelings - How do we feel in relation to what we observe?
3. Communicate needs - What are the needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings?
4. Make specific requests - What are concrete actions we request which will enrich our lives?

Here are four topics that frequently become points of contention in conflicts. The four related examples associated with each topic are based on individual experience and are dependent upon personal observations, feelings, needs and requests. While I've generalized to a certain degree, it is best to be as precise as possible regarding the "observed behavior" at issue.

Hostility:
1. I observe that you speak to me and about me with a great deal of hostility.
2. I'm saddened that one of my relatives would treat me in a manner that I feel is confrontational and cruel.
3. I need to be treated with respect and not to be spoken to or spoken about in hurtful or abusive ways.
4. I request that you do not speak to me or about me in disrespectful or harmful ways.

Personal Responsibility:
1. I observe that you react extremely defensiveness about all disagreements or perceived criticisms.
2. I feel as though it is difficult to have a discussion with you about my perceptions of and feelings about your words and actions without facing immediate justification for your actions or redirection of blame to someone other than yourself.
3. I need to believe that you can accept personal responsibility for your words and actions.
4. I ask that you try to hear me when I speak to you and not redirect the conversation with justification for your actions or blame for someone who was "just as bad" or "worse," even if it's me.

Personal Desires:
1. I observe that you put your preferences and desires above or ahead of what is important to other people.
2. I feel that prevents other people from their right to choice and happiness.
3. I need to know that you value other people's happiness and needs.
4. I request that you consider how your actions affect other people before pursuing your immediate personal desires.

Gratitude:
1. I observe that your appreciation for the generosity of others seems scarce or fleeting.
2. I feel as though you don't really demonstrate gratitude for everything those who care for you do for you.
3. I would admire seeing you demonstrate an appreciation for the kindness and generosity of those who act to help you.
4. I request that you make it a point to demonstrate your gratitude beyond a simple "thanks" and a hug by looking for ways you can give back. Perhaps through respecting the wishes/requests of your hosts (turn off lights, pick up after yourself, avoid wasteful actions) or by pitching in with household chores.

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I'm not terribly optimistic that my efforts will have a lasting impact on those I had the conversations with, but it did make me feel better to try. And I am proud that I didn't get drawn into a re-hashing of tired, old arguments.

I thought some of you may experience similar frustrations and would perhaps appreciate this unique approach at resolving those frequent conflicts. Good Luck.

Wikipedia Article: Nonviolent Communication

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